Sometimes, you can be so utterly lost in thought, so immersed that the outside world is nothing more than background noise. There is substance to thought, and discovery of one's self unlike anything else. With the quiet stillness that comes with knowing who you are, also comes enlightenment--a realization of things that maybe went misunderstood because you were too busy to think about them.

I spent most of my life this way, too busy to think about important things, and dwelling on the things that didn't matter. Now, at this point in time, I realize I missed so much. That I was robbed and lied to--manipulated. It is not because I was dumb, ignorant or anything like that. It was because I was blinded by a sense of duty and loyalty. Things, which in and of themselves aren't bad things--but in my life, they have been a torment. An incessant thorn digging into my side and I refused to acknowledge it. I thought maybe it would just go away or heal--I didn't really know what I thought.

So I sit here now, lost in my own thought that I can hear the blood pulsing in my veins, my heart beating like it was beating outside my body, not within it. Every breath I take feels like a rush of cold mountain air. I have an immense load on my back, that I now have to decide whether it is worth carrying, or whether it is best I move on with my life and leave the load in the past, leaving a part of my life behind. A part which has been with me all my 29 years. I have the clarity to see what I must do, what I need to do, but the question is: can I put everyone else behind me and act for myself for once?

I am sitting here, and I am nervous. My hands are shaking and I can hear my heartbeat echoing in my ears. Why do I feel this way? I have no idea, I am not particularly stressed about anything. I am though, concerned over my sister, as she has run into a bit of family trouble. But to be nervous, like this?--no. Her troubles have a solution and fortunately, I can help her. She helped me to get away from a bad situation, and now I have the opportunity to help her out in return. I just hope she accepts my help, she can be pretty damn stubborn sometimes.

Writing has helped to relax me, I started to write this entry about 15 minutes ago, and now my hands aren't jittering, but my heart is still pounding in my chest as if it was trying to break out of a jail cell! I would try to go to sleep right now, but I am afraid the pounding won't let me. I might just lay down anyway and contemplate the stars. I can't say where I live now is ideal, I really can't wait to be someplace else, but I do LOVE the view outside my bedroom window. I lay down on my bed and can see the stars clearly, sometimes even the moon. They are so beautiful, I fall asleep staring at them. They look so magical, suspended in the sky--twinkling so softly--that I can't help to fall prey to their enchantment.

Her gaze was toward the heavens--indigo blue, lit by the soft twinkling of stars. She thought as she lay on the cool night grass, When will it end? She awaited a response that never came. Saddened, a tear escaped her right eye. What will the future hold for her? Broken, bruised, and left to contemplate all the things which could have been, but never will be.