It seems as if I can never catch a break, things are not going as planned and I am thoroughly upset. I am without my kids, with no direction, and constantly suffering disappointments. Just when I think things are looking up, it all goes to shit. I am constantly feeling like I am being pulled in opposite directions, and all I want is consistency.

I had told myself that I would not settle for less, but now I wonder if I have asked too much and should rearrange my priorities. Maybe I have. Sometimes I wonder if I don't deserve what I am asking for. I'm still holding on to things I have lost or simply were never mine to begin with. The worst part is that that the things I have lost keep getting dangled in front of my face! Constantly being reminded, makes it even harder to let go.

I am missing lots of things right now. I missing my peace of mind, my children, and my stability. I wish things were different and it hurts me that they aren't.

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There was once a woman, wandering the world alone with her two children. Cold and confused, she went along. The obstacles and disappointments wouldn't let up, until her body showed the marks of pain--the bruises and the cuts.

One day, as she wondered why she was all alone on this earth; having fallen on her knees, she began to weep. Out of the shadows, came a hand--strong and confident--and lifted her up. She felt safe, holding on to this hand. To her amazement and much to her surprise she was overwhelmed by love. A stranger, from afar, who brought with him the serenity that the woman most longed for. And as time passed, her love and affinity for the kind stranger grew until he was no longer a stranger to her anymore. She had absolute trust--total love.

Her love became so much so, that she surrendered to it--completely, honestly, truly. And for a few glorious days, she was the happiest woman--she was beaming. She wanted to be like this--happy--for as long as she could. Never had her feelings been such, running wild--out of control. It was all new, and she welcomed these feelings wholly, without inhibitions. She followed her heart, trusted her heart. She believed in this man and in his feelings toward her. Gave herself to him, holding nothing back. This felt right to her--he felt right to her. In his arms, she was complete. In, his kisses she felt loved. In his love, she felt consumed.

But, one day she woke up. It was all a dream or at least that was the way it felt. In practically an instant--all she had was memories, and a gaping hole where her heart once was. The kind stranger turned out to be nothing more than a thief, that stole her heart only to later trample on it. If before she was cold and confused--now she was absolutely stunned, in shock--numb. She wondered, where it all went, all the love. With a heavy heart, she continued on her journey. Hoping, wishing that this man would come back to her and but knowing he never would.

With now more cuts and bruises, and a open wound, she went along. How could a person take her to the edge of heaven, only to drop her to the depths of hell?

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I am not clear as to the direction of my life, I feel like a puppet being led against my will towards an uncertain future. Things are bad, and I have no idea what to do to make them better. I feel very alone. Since December until now, the realization of my actions hadn't hit me. Divorce. Such an ugly thing. I hate myself for having put myself through this! I can't begin to comprehend why I allowed myself to manipulated into marrying. Now, I am divorcing and I feel so bad.

I just finished watching "Dear Frankie", so now I sit here as tears roll down my face writing this entry, wondering how it all got so messed up. How I am just like the girl in this movie--a mother raising a fatherless child, but in my case two fatherless children. What right did I have, having children? How selfish am I? I had them to make myself feel better, I did. To have someone to pour my love into, being that I had no one to love me. At least, I figured, my own children must love me right?

My mother has all but disowned me, the look on her face when she gazes upon me is of sheer disgust and I don't get it. She lied to me for years, manipulated me by guilt to do what she wanted me to do. Up until now, I barely get an apology from her. More like excuses, they are. So now, I feel insecure and scared. What am I going to do?

I would like to think that I am a strong person that will pull through no matter what, but I have my weak moments. Times when the pressure is so overwhelming, that it feels like the walls are caving in. I can't breathe, I am trapped.

My moments of joy are far and in between, I wonder when will this nightmare end.

Sometimes, you can be so utterly lost in thought, so immersed that the outside world is nothing more than background noise. There is substance to thought, and discovery of one's self unlike anything else. With the quiet stillness that comes with knowing who you are, also comes enlightenment--a realization of things that maybe went misunderstood because you were too busy to think about them.

I spent most of my life this way, too busy to think about important things, and dwelling on the things that didn't matter. Now, at this point in time, I realize I missed so much. That I was robbed and lied to--manipulated. It is not because I was dumb, ignorant or anything like that. It was because I was blinded by a sense of duty and loyalty. Things, which in and of themselves aren't bad things--but in my life, they have been a torment. An incessant thorn digging into my side and I refused to acknowledge it. I thought maybe it would just go away or heal--I didn't really know what I thought.

So I sit here now, lost in my own thought that I can hear the blood pulsing in my veins, my heart beating like it was beating outside my body, not within it. Every breath I take feels like a rush of cold mountain air. I have an immense load on my back, that I now have to decide whether it is worth carrying, or whether it is best I move on with my life and leave the load in the past, leaving a part of my life behind. A part which has been with me all my 29 years. I have the clarity to see what I must do, what I need to do, but the question is: can I put everyone else behind me and act for myself for once?

I am sitting here, and I am nervous. My hands are shaking and I can hear my heartbeat echoing in my ears. Why do I feel this way? I have no idea, I am not particularly stressed about anything. I am though, concerned over my sister, as she has run into a bit of family trouble. But to be nervous, like this?--no. Her troubles have a solution and fortunately, I can help her. She helped me to get away from a bad situation, and now I have the opportunity to help her out in return. I just hope she accepts my help, she can be pretty damn stubborn sometimes.

Writing has helped to relax me, I started to write this entry about 15 minutes ago, and now my hands aren't jittering, but my heart is still pounding in my chest as if it was trying to break out of a jail cell! I would try to go to sleep right now, but I am afraid the pounding won't let me. I might just lay down anyway and contemplate the stars. I can't say where I live now is ideal, I really can't wait to be someplace else, but I do LOVE the view outside my bedroom window. I lay down on my bed and can see the stars clearly, sometimes even the moon. They are so beautiful, I fall asleep staring at them. They look so magical, suspended in the sky--twinkling so softly--that I can't help to fall prey to their enchantment.