I really can't believe how much my life has changed in a relatively short amount of time. I am excited about the changes I am going through, but at the same time, I am deeply saddened because I know what it took to get here--all the things that happened in order to get to where I am right now. 2010 has been a very, very terrible year for me! Awful, wouldn't even begin to cover the misery this year has been! Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking all this has been a dream. It isn't though, and I am sad.

I still can't get over the fact my mother-in-law is gone. I miss her so much! But I have so many questions left unanswered, that I didn't even think to ask before. About her, about things that happened. I am confused and I am afraid to ask others questions because I worry it might confirm my fears and then what? I will be stuck with that for the rest of my life. There is no use. Should I bury these feelings and move on?

It is Christmas Eve, and me, my mom, and my kids spent it alone. This was a very sad Christmas. I hope that Christmas is better next year.

So much has changed in the last month! It is amazing as well as scary. I took my kids, picked up my stuff and moved out. I am in a new city, meeting new people--it is great, liberating! Even more exciting things are to come and I can't wait. 2010 has been such a horrible year, well actually, 2008-2010 were the worst! My hopes are that 2011 will be an end to all the misery. I know the new year will bring many great things.

The only kill-joy in my life right now, is that my estranged father has seen fit to find me and annoy the crap out of me. You would think that a man who has a doctorate in clinical psychology would find it easy to understand the words: "leave me alone", but no. I hate when people who have been nothing but a toxin in your life, feel the need to bug you. Not to say sorry, but to examine the reasons why you choose to stay away from them. According to them, they have done nothing wrong to you. You are the problem, not them. They just want to help you, pfft!Give me a break! I do not need or want to engage in relationships with toxic people. I would like to think I have enough respect for myself to refrain from placing myself in such a situation ever again!

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

~With love, Gypsy

I doubt anyone will read this, I guess it will be for my entertainment. It is healthy to talk to one's self, I guess. Things have finally seemed to settle in my life, I am slowly getting used to the new order of things. It has been a difficult road, but I have managed to come to a certain understanding of how things are and need to be.

I have been concerned with my upcoming birthday. Going to turn 29 in a couple of months, I don't feel all that great about that. I hate the idea of being one year closer to 30--It is a horrible feeling! Yes, I know that 30 is the new 20, but it sure doesn't feel that way. I don't feel like getting old and I surely don't feel 30! Oh, well--I guess that is life. I need to get used to it. Though for the record, I will turn 29 in 2012 too, and 2013, and every year that follows!

With love,
Gypsy

It seems that time has a way of slipping by; before I realized it, it was gone and I sit here wondering where it went. Another university term has come and gone. So much has happened in these last 10 weeks, not only in university, but in my life. Things that have forever changed the way I will live it from now on.

Sadness mixed with joy fills me, as things all come to an end. As this chapter closes, anticipation sets in and the wonder of things to come. What will the future bring, more sadness or will it bring with it hope? It is with a heavy heart that I bid goodbye to a period of my life which has caused me much pain. I may seem a bit dramatic, after all it is only the conclusion of a school term. But, for me this term has meant much more. Funny, how events seem to mirror each other or parallel. At the start of this school term, the health of my loved one started to decline and as the end of the term approached, so did her life. Both events almost synchronized, heading toward a common goal, which is closure.

I will take many great things away from these last 10 weeks. Mainly, new friends. I have much appreciation for those who have been kind and reached out to me. I am sure that the acquaintances I have made will grow and evolve into lasting friendships.

A note to all my classmates:

Thank you so much. It really has been a pleasure. I hope that all of you won't be strangers. I plan to keep this blog, so please feel free to check it out from time to time for new posts. Also, feel more than welcome to e-mail me or IM me anytime.
I appreciate all of you. Good luck and goodbye.


Note to my Professor:

Diane,

Thank you so much. I have enjoyed your class thoroughly. I sincerely can say that it has been a pleasure to be your student. I have learned so much and all that I have learned in this class will remain forever an active part of my academic journey and beyond. Thanks again!


With love and deepest admiration,

Nikke

There are times when I can have a very spontaneous and a quite random pang to do something completely unusual. I think that's what makes me, me and I think that's also what adds flair to my usually dull life. I live my life vicariously through readings and movies, many people do, but for me it's a wholly different experience--at least I'd like to think so.

When I was in seventh grade, I remember that for my English class, we did a whole workshop on English literature & culture. I remember I was completely and utterly captivated. For me, it seemed that England and the surrounding British Isles held a certain magic that America lacked. It was since then that my fascination with the UK began. I told my English teacher I would someday be accepted into Oxford University and pick up an English accent while I was there--silly, I know.

As time went by, my desire to live in England and go to university there, dissipated. The many obstacles of life combined with the challenges in overcoming them pretty much took care of that. I would often go back and think about how lovely it would be to live abroad, and to have new experiences so different from my life now. Those thoughts quickly faded, they were just temporary.

Recently, those feelings of starting over anew where nobody knows you, have started to creep back. That feeling of anxiety and restlessness are all too present. I need to go. Where? England, specifically London, where the weather is usually mild in comparison to California and where the the fog is a typical occurrence. I really want to move to England, yes, it's crazy. What do I know about getting there? Absolutely nothing,I don't even know anybody over there! It makes the whole idea of going over there seem improbable, but not impossible. Who is to say I can't make it happen? My greatest obstacle will be myself, and If I really want it, I have to try, right? Wish me luck!

With Love,
Nikke

I would like you all to know one of the best people in the world. Her name is Maria, and she finally lost her 3 year battle with lung cancer.

I had spent all night up, watching her. At about 2am it was too much, I fell asleep on my couch. I was awakened by my mother at 4:50am. She still lay there, but her breaths were few and labored. I told her I loved her, and that my kids loved her with all their little hearts. I stood by her bed side, as I heard her breathing become slower and slower, until finally the last one came out along with a tear from her left eye. Just like that, gone and with her went a part of all of us that loved her dearly.

Maria was a person with a big heart, always thought of others before herself. Took care of everyone like a mother. She had an infinite amount of patience and understanding. She was a woman with a lot to say, she had so many stories to tell and experiences to share.

I like to remember her the way my son described to me, "The bestest cloud in the sky, that is where Grandma is." I see her in my mind, smiling at me, her smile tells me: it will be okay.

Surreal--Is this really happening. I can't believe that the time I have dreaded for the last 3 years is finally here. I feel so lonely and lost. I have so many questions, and no simple answers. I feel sick and my head hurts, I haven't slept in 3 days. My heart is racing, trying to keep up with my mind, which won't stop thinking.

I am NOT ready to say goodbye, to let go. Yet here I am, saying goodbye to a woman, who in my life has been like a mother. Hearing her say to be good and to take really good care of my kids. She tells me that she loves me and that we will meet again someday. I watch her explain with great difficulty and labor to my children that she is going away. She tells my kids she is going to heaven now and that she won't be coming back, but that she will wait for them up there. My children, not quite understanding cheerfully announce they want to go to heaven too. Me? I am in the corner, shattered to pieces. I couldn't watch this, I walked away.

Now, I am sitting on a recliner, next to her bed. Her breathing labored, and the sound of the humidifier and the oxygen machine fill the otherwise silent room. Everyone in the house is sleeping, I am the only one awake. I am anxious, longing for it to be over, but at the same time not looking forward to the conclusion. I want a different end, a happy one, and I don't see the happy ending in this.

I started to sketch her, but when I captured the warm look her eyes once had, I couldn't finish it. I wrote her a song instead, but I am afraid she will never get to hear it, I couldn't sing it to her face. I tried to video tape her last moments with my children, but something happened and it didn't record. I was so sad I broke down, holding the video camera in my hands, I might not get another chance to video her again.

I realize this post is unlike my other ones, rambling, but I can't really focus on much now. I am sorry.

**My Song**

I will remember you,
after you are gone--
and in the stillness of the dawn,
I will find you,
in a whisper--
Calling to my heart--
ooohh child
don't you cry,
don't you cry


I know it's time for you to go now,
nothing can be changed
it has to end,
and with you--
you will take away with
you a part of me,

Chorus:

Sweetness love...
find your way to safety, go on home,
go on home....
Be at peace now, be at peace,
all pain-- the pain will soon be gone,
Close eyes and sleep,just fade to your release (x2)

Everytime I smile, I will stop and think of you,
and When I close my eyes you will be there too,
Warm eyes lighting up your face,

I will remember you,
after you are gone--
and in the stillness of the dawn,
I will find you in a whisper--
Calling to my heart...
sayin' ooohh child don't you cry,
don't you cry--everything is going to be alright,
you will be fine.

Sayin' oohh child don't you cry,
don't you cry...

chorus-

Sweetness love...
find your way to safety, go on home,
go on home,
Be at peace now, be at peace,
All the pain-- the pain will soon be gone
Close your eyes and sleep...just fade to your release

Sweetness love...sleep now, start to dream.
Fade to your release

sweetness love, sweetness love...

Everything is going to be just fine, it will be alright

I am at a total loss, I have no idea what to write. I would hate to write about morbid things, which is what consumes my life at this point. I find that I need to escape be somewhere else. I find myself in front of my computer staring at the screen for the longest time--accomplishing nothing--watching time tick away.

I am usually narcoleptic, but I have been making friends with insomnia lately. I will sit and watch the death of daylight and the emergence of night. Then, I am witness to  the darkness surrender its reign and slowly give rise to the dawn. A process I have seen many times now, but still captivates me with its beauty.

It is simply amazing, the night, how quiet and still it can be. Every sound is magnified by the backdrop of silence. That fan that is whisper quiet in the day, sounds like a roaring train at night and the sound I make tapping the keys on my keyboard sounds like Morse code. In the distance, I hear the sound of dog barking and the train that is more than a mile away, sounds like it's right outside my door.

In this silence, thoughts take over; it is hard to ignore them. Drowning  them out with media doesn't work, that's for sure. The music I play seems to make a wonderful soundtrack for my thoughts which by now have taken the shape of a mental movie, of sorts.

It's amazing really, the stuff that goes on in my mind. If only I could screen capture it, they way I can on my computer, I would share it with you all. I think you would all laugh or at least be shocked, maybe even shed a tear or two.


With ♥ Always, from my heart to yours.

Death. A word most of us don't like to think about. When we think of death we tend to think of it as distant, alien. Yet, as circumstances expectantly slap us in the face, we find ourselves examining this thing called death.

A dear family member of mine, is slowly and painfully withering away, succumbing to this entity. It is very hard to see someone barely breathing, the agony expressed in their face. How must it feel when even breathing hurts?  How must it feel to want to die? I can't help but think of these things, being that the death of my loved one is so imminent. I think of my death and the way that I will go. I wonder if my death will be in my old age: silver haired, with wrinkles, going peacefully or will it be the result of an accident, sickness, or murder?

Death can come at anytime, and it is this that makes me realize how vulnerable we all are to it. One minute we are here and the next, we are gone. While our close family members will mourn our loss, the rest of the world will go on without us and with time we will be forgotten.

Big hazel eyes, adorned by the lushest long lashes --enviable by any woman -- are the eyes that belong to my son, Michael. With the biggest puppy dog eyes, he looks at me and says, "Mommy?".  I turn around to find that angelic, pleading face of his, "Yes", I say. He flashes me a mischievous smile before bursting out with, " I want to take a shower with the 'man'-soap!" "Man"-soap?, you ask. Yes, it is what my 4yr old son lovingly calls any bodywash that does not come in a bottle with cartoon characters. It's the funniest thing to see him ask for it: he deepens his voice, grunts, and assumes the crab bodybuilding pose. When I ask him why he wants to bathe with the "man" soap, he expresses his desire to be a man, big & strong. I find it terribly amusing that my little child wants to grow up so fast. He reminds me so much of myself and how I wanted to be "grown up".

Now that I am an adult, I often reminisce and wish I could do childhood all over again. It really is an uncomplicated existence, no worries and no responsibilities--at least not like the kind we have as adults. Sometimes, I wish I could tell him not to hurry to grow up, it will never be as easy as this. I know though that at his age, there is no way he would understand me. Most children wish they were grown ups; while grown ups spend the rest of their lives trying not to lose touch with the inner child they hold so dear. Even if you do not see yourself as childish, or if you don't think you have an inner child; a little bit of self examination and you might be amazed. Ladies, you know who you are, in those cute little cartoon pajamas. Does Tinkerbell ring a bell? If you find yourself getting down to Justin Bieber (for the record, I loathe Justin Bieber, in case you wondered), guess what? You are feeding your inner child.  And gents, you thought I forgot you? Nope. Did you go see Transformers? Iron Man? Transformers was a cartoon and Iron Man a comic. Cartoons & comic books,  two things that are synonymous with childhood. So yes, you too are feeding your inner child. 

In the hustle and bustle of  adult-life and all the many responsibilities that come along with it, it sure brings a smile to my face to think of a simpler time when the only thing I had to worry about was making sure not to miss my favorite cartoon. I look at my children and see the life that I left long ago. A life that was full of magic and monsters, and I was the fairy princess.