I am not clear as to the direction of my life, I feel like a puppet being led against my will towards an uncertain future. Things are bad, and I have no idea what to do to make them better. I feel very alone. Since December until now, the realization of my actions hadn't hit me. Divorce. Such an ugly thing. I hate myself for having put myself through this! I can't begin to comprehend why I allowed myself to manipulated into marrying. Now, I am divorcing and I feel so bad.

I just finished watching "Dear Frankie", so now I sit here as tears roll down my face writing this entry, wondering how it all got so messed up. How I am just like the girl in this movie--a mother raising a fatherless child, but in my case two fatherless children. What right did I have, having children? How selfish am I? I had them to make myself feel better, I did. To have someone to pour my love into, being that I had no one to love me. At least, I figured, my own children must love me right?

My mother has all but disowned me, the look on her face when she gazes upon me is of sheer disgust and I don't get it. She lied to me for years, manipulated me by guilt to do what she wanted me to do. Up until now, I barely get an apology from her. More like excuses, they are. So now, I feel insecure and scared. What am I going to do?

I would like to think that I am a strong person that will pull through no matter what, but I have my weak moments. Times when the pressure is so overwhelming, that it feels like the walls are caving in. I can't breathe, I am trapped.

My moments of joy are far and in between, I wonder when will this nightmare end.