I would like you all to know one of the best people in the world. Her name is Maria, and she finally lost her 3 year battle with lung cancer.

I had spent all night up, watching her. At about 2am it was too much, I fell asleep on my couch. I was awakened by my mother at 4:50am. She still lay there, but her breaths were few and labored. I told her I loved her, and that my kids loved her with all their little hearts. I stood by her bed side, as I heard her breathing become slower and slower, until finally the last one came out along with a tear from her left eye. Just like that, gone and with her went a part of all of us that loved her dearly.

Maria was a person with a big heart, always thought of others before herself. Took care of everyone like a mother. She had an infinite amount of patience and understanding. She was a woman with a lot to say, she had so many stories to tell and experiences to share.

I like to remember her the way my son described to me, "The bestest cloud in the sky, that is where Grandma is." I see her in my mind, smiling at me, her smile tells me: it will be okay.

Surreal--Is this really happening. I can't believe that the time I have dreaded for the last 3 years is finally here. I feel so lonely and lost. I have so many questions, and no simple answers. I feel sick and my head hurts, I haven't slept in 3 days. My heart is racing, trying to keep up with my mind, which won't stop thinking.

I am NOT ready to say goodbye, to let go. Yet here I am, saying goodbye to a woman, who in my life has been like a mother. Hearing her say to be good and to take really good care of my kids. She tells me that she loves me and that we will meet again someday. I watch her explain with great difficulty and labor to my children that she is going away. She tells my kids she is going to heaven now and that she won't be coming back, but that she will wait for them up there. My children, not quite understanding cheerfully announce they want to go to heaven too. Me? I am in the corner, shattered to pieces. I couldn't watch this, I walked away.

Now, I am sitting on a recliner, next to her bed. Her breathing labored, and the sound of the humidifier and the oxygen machine fill the otherwise silent room. Everyone in the house is sleeping, I am the only one awake. I am anxious, longing for it to be over, but at the same time not looking forward to the conclusion. I want a different end, a happy one, and I don't see the happy ending in this.

I started to sketch her, but when I captured the warm look her eyes once had, I couldn't finish it. I wrote her a song instead, but I am afraid she will never get to hear it, I couldn't sing it to her face. I tried to video tape her last moments with my children, but something happened and it didn't record. I was so sad I broke down, holding the video camera in my hands, I might not get another chance to video her again.

I realize this post is unlike my other ones, rambling, but I can't really focus on much now. I am sorry.

**My Song**

I will remember you,
after you are gone--
and in the stillness of the dawn,
I will find you,
in a whisper--
Calling to my heart--
ooohh child
don't you cry,
don't you cry


I know it's time for you to go now,
nothing can be changed
it has to end,
and with you--
you will take away with
you a part of me,

Chorus:

Sweetness love...
find your way to safety, go on home,
go on home....
Be at peace now, be at peace,
all pain-- the pain will soon be gone,
Close eyes and sleep,just fade to your release (x2)

Everytime I smile, I will stop and think of you,
and When I close my eyes you will be there too,
Warm eyes lighting up your face,

I will remember you,
after you are gone--
and in the stillness of the dawn,
I will find you in a whisper--
Calling to my heart...
sayin' ooohh child don't you cry,
don't you cry--everything is going to be alright,
you will be fine.

Sayin' oohh child don't you cry,
don't you cry...

chorus-

Sweetness love...
find your way to safety, go on home,
go on home,
Be at peace now, be at peace,
All the pain-- the pain will soon be gone
Close your eyes and sleep...just fade to your release

Sweetness love...sleep now, start to dream.
Fade to your release

sweetness love, sweetness love...

Everything is going to be just fine, it will be alright

I am at a total loss, I have no idea what to write. I would hate to write about morbid things, which is what consumes my life at this point. I find that I need to escape be somewhere else. I find myself in front of my computer staring at the screen for the longest time--accomplishing nothing--watching time tick away.

I am usually narcoleptic, but I have been making friends with insomnia lately. I will sit and watch the death of daylight and the emergence of night. Then, I am witness to  the darkness surrender its reign and slowly give rise to the dawn. A process I have seen many times now, but still captivates me with its beauty.

It is simply amazing, the night, how quiet and still it can be. Every sound is magnified by the backdrop of silence. That fan that is whisper quiet in the day, sounds like a roaring train at night and the sound I make tapping the keys on my keyboard sounds like Morse code. In the distance, I hear the sound of dog barking and the train that is more than a mile away, sounds like it's right outside my door.

In this silence, thoughts take over; it is hard to ignore them. Drowning  them out with media doesn't work, that's for sure. The music I play seems to make a wonderful soundtrack for my thoughts which by now have taken the shape of a mental movie, of sorts.

It's amazing really, the stuff that goes on in my mind. If only I could screen capture it, they way I can on my computer, I would share it with you all. I think you would all laugh or at least be shocked, maybe even shed a tear or two.


With ♥ Always, from my heart to yours.

Death. A word most of us don't like to think about. When we think of death we tend to think of it as distant, alien. Yet, as circumstances expectantly slap us in the face, we find ourselves examining this thing called death.

A dear family member of mine, is slowly and painfully withering away, succumbing to this entity. It is very hard to see someone barely breathing, the agony expressed in their face. How must it feel when even breathing hurts?  How must it feel to want to die? I can't help but think of these things, being that the death of my loved one is so imminent. I think of my death and the way that I will go. I wonder if my death will be in my old age: silver haired, with wrinkles, going peacefully or will it be the result of an accident, sickness, or murder?

Death can come at anytime, and it is this that makes me realize how vulnerable we all are to it. One minute we are here and the next, we are gone. While our close family members will mourn our loss, the rest of the world will go on without us and with time we will be forgotten.