I finally filed for divorce in December of 2010 and am patiently waiting for my divorce to be final! I really want to get out of here! I feel suffocated--I want to be far away from this State, from everything that reminds me of all the shit I have been through. I need to get my life back together and start believing in myself. I can get through this--but after years of being put down the climb back up is hard. It is a slow process but it is getting there.

I am so conflicted, about things I should do. I am conflicted to go against what I have been taught I should do--what to believe. Not only are these feelings swirling in the back of my mind, but the ever present residue of things past. I wonder how I will explain all that has happened to my children someday, one day they will have to know everything. I will have to lay before them the dirty laundry and it is not something I look forward to. Though I know it is still a long way to that day, I still think about it as if it were tomorrow.

On the bright side, my son's turned 5 this month. I am so happy and sad, my boy is growing up. I was so saddened and repulsed by the fact that his father didn't send him a message or a card, gift or anything. He knows he can contact me through my e-mail, or send his son a message with his father. But no, he forgot or chose to forget. I feel so guilty that I--who consider myself an intelligent person--could find myself in a situation like this: married to this man, who is like a parasite that fed off me until it managed to practically destroy me! My better judgment warned me--I had fear--but I chose to ignore it in order to please other people. I was so stupid! Now, I am paying the consequences. Hopefully it will all be over soon!

~Gypsy